"Keep it 100"

So I work with middle school and high school girls and one of them are always saying, "Just keep it 100 man, I keep it 100". Which means be real, don't pay games, and don't lie. I was going to write a post titled "All My Single Ladies(and men)", but I will save that for the next post. I am gone keep it 100 with you all.  Learn more about my past present and future struggles.

So I was a broken little girl, without giving any detail because too much detail will reveal too much about other people and thats not my intentions.  But I hate the world and for a long time I wanted an escape.  I often cried out to the Lord but I felt he was distant.  I put him to the test, I said, "Lord reveal yourself to me or else I am going to take my life". Dangerous,  I know, but he revealed himself in away that was loud and clear.  It was not a pretty picture but it was clear and my life changed from that day on.  He saved my soul when I was 15.  I was on fire for Christ but it only lasted a season.  About a year later I started to experience with drinking and the occasional weed pipe.  I loved my life but hated it.  It was a war in my soul.  Every night after getting drunk I would go home and say, "Lord part of me wants to quit because I know I am rebelling but the other part of me enjoys it".  My life was a roller coaster, I would party for a month, and then stop because I was "convicted" then I would party.  Then the Lord changed my heart my second semester of my senior year in high school and I didn't drink until I became 21.  Little did I know that drunkenness would creep back up again.  It has many times and for a while I would get down on myself and it would lead to being very inward and to a harden heart.  I have tried to stop drinking for months and then one night would mess that all up.  This is not something that I am struggling with now but it maybe something that I struggle with in the future.  I honestly think sometimes its demonic. The Lord has been gracious to spur me on towards himself and to reveal more of my wicked heart.

Lately I have been struggling with weight.  Actually its not lately, it has been a constant struggle for the past few years.  I have done nothing but gain weight.  I hate it and it sucks.  But a few weeks ago I had this huge break down.  I am not writing this so you would feel sorry for me or so you can contradict my thoughts with different thoughts.  I am just inviting you into my life and my struggles.  The Lord has been kind to me and I have not been to inward in the past few weeks.  Or maybe I am just not dwelling on my weight as much as I was.  I think it will be a struggle for a while I just want my gaze and my focus to be on Christ.

These are just a few things that I am trying to walk out in my personal relationship with the Lord, and in counseling even though weekly I ask myself why do I come back.

Be praying that no matter my lot I will run to the Lord.

This post may not have made sense I just wanted to bring you in a little closer to my world.