Sunday, March 28, 2010

"All My Single Ladies"

Sorry for the delayed post. It has been along time coming. I have been busy, lazy, and out of town and that’s why I have not posted in the past few weeks.

This topic has been on my heart for sometime. As a single woman I have battled with thoughts about wanting to grow in femininity for the sake of marriage. I have had the thoughts, "If only I grew in ______, then I will be able to serve my husband and family one day". Has these words ever came out of your mouth? If so this is for you. I have a strong since that our motivation to grow in godliness should not be to serve our future husbands and families. I think Christ has a greater purpose and that is himself. We have always heard, we serve a jealous God. If that is the case, our motivation should be Christ and Christ alone and not a husband and/or family. If we are called to be pure, holy, servants, stewards, caretakers, loving, generous, caring, compassionate, its not because we are called to be these because it will best serve our husbands, but solely because it glorifies Christ. These things will serve your husbands, NO DOUBT but your husbands should not be the motivation to get you to grow in godliness. Also if we are called to be grow in biblical femininity its not just for the future but Christ calls us to be this way rather we are single, married, older or younger. No matter what season of life you are in you are called to be wise, godly women of God. This is a command as a believer not just for the sake to serve others but Christ and an out pour of that is that you will be able to better server others.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"Keep it 100"

So I work with middle school and high school girls and one of them are always saying, "Just keep it 100 man, I keep it 100". Which means be real, don't pay games, and don't lie. I was going to write a post titled "All My Single Ladies(and men)", but I will save that for the next post. I am gone keep it 100 with you all.  Learn more about my past present and future struggles.

So I was a broken little girl, without giving any detail because too much detail will reveal too much about other people and thats not my intentions.  But I hate the world and for a long time I wanted an escape.  I often cried out to the Lord but I felt he was distant.  I put him to the test, I said, "Lord reveal yourself to me or else I am going to take my life". Dangerous,  I know, but he revealed himself in away that was loud and clear.  It was not a pretty picture but it was clear and my life changed from that day on.  He saved my soul when I was 15.  I was on fire for Christ but it only lasted a season.  About a year later I started to experience with drinking and the occasional weed pipe.  I loved my life but hated it.  It was a war in my soul.  Every night after getting drunk I would go home and say, "Lord part of me wants to quit because I know I am rebelling but the other part of me enjoys it".  My life was a roller coaster, I would party for a month, and then stop because I was "convicted" then I would party.  Then the Lord changed my heart my second semester of my senior year in high school and I didn't drink until I became 21.  Little did I know that drunkenness would creep back up again.  It has many times and for a while I would get down on myself and it would lead to being very inward and to a harden heart.  I have tried to stop drinking for months and then one night would mess that all up.  This is not something that I am struggling with now but it maybe something that I struggle with in the future.  I honestly think sometimes its demonic. The Lord has been gracious to spur me on towards himself and to reveal more of my wicked heart.

Lately I have been struggling with weight.  Actually its not lately, it has been a constant struggle for the past few years.  I have done nothing but gain weight.  I hate it and it sucks.  But a few weeks ago I had this huge break down.  I am not writing this so you would feel sorry for me or so you can contradict my thoughts with different thoughts.  I am just inviting you into my life and my struggles.  The Lord has been kind to me and I have not been to inward in the past few weeks.  Or maybe I am just not dwelling on my weight as much as I was.  I think it will be a struggle for a while I just want my gaze and my focus to be on Christ.

These are just a few things that I am trying to walk out in my personal relationship with the Lord, and in counseling even though weekly I ask myself why do I come back.

Be praying that no matter my lot I will run to the Lord.

This post may not have made sense I just wanted to bring you in a little closer to my world. 

Friday, March 12, 2010

Smoking and driving.

I was waiting to pick up kids from school when the school bus soon arrived.  I was looking through my rearview mirrors and saw the bus driver throw out a cigarette.  I thought to myself, "there is seriously something wrong with that picture".  A middle school bus driver should not be smoking on the job.  What does this teach our young students.  Something was just not right about that picture.  I just wanted to share with you all what I saw yesterday.  If you want me to write about anything particular please fill free to let me know. Thanks for following me.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Luke 1!!!

Passages like this makes my soul glad in the Lord.  I have been reading the bible in a year plan and it has been really good for me.  Daily I find out how little I know about the scriptures, but I am always encouraged.  I often make phone calls to my dear friend Loren to gain wisdom from her.  Praise God the Lord has blessed her with great biblical wisdom and a young theologian husband.  

Talking about Loren leads me to Luke 1.  In Luke one we are introduced to two amazing mothers.  Elizabeth, John the Baptist mother, who has just found out she is pregnant in her old age and the second mother who we are introduced to is Mary, the virgin Mary to be more specific, Jesus' mother.  In this chapter Zechariah has been made mute because he didn't trust when God told him that his wife was going to become pregnant in her old age, and Elizabeth is also a little taken back at this fact but yet accepts it. Months later in another village Mary finds out, before getting married, that she is pregnant.  Though the both equally know that their pregnancies are from the Lord, where do they find comfort?  In their husband? No, each other.  Mary travels to visit Elizabeth and when Mary enters the house of Elizabeth it states, "'when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, and she exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!  And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.  And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord”".   Mary then sings songs of praise(read this).   

This is a beautiful picture of how relationships should look.  I am not saying that women shouldn't go to their husband when they are struggling.  Their primary relationship and guidance should come from their husband.  The point that I am trying to make is that relationships are vital in the church.  We need people who we can go to for comfort, to seek wisdom and guidance from.  Rather you are single, married, old or young, you need a person who is dear to you, a person you can call a friend. 

I think often women forfeit relationships when they get married, change locations, or have different seasons in lives, but I don't think thats how it should be.  I would maybe even say that relationships with friends should only grow when life situations change.  Also in Titus 2 it says, "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good,  and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled". This is a call for older women to step up in the church and lead the younger women to be godly young women.  Older women step up and pursue younger women, they need you and are wanting to learn from you.  Younger women, pursue an older women, seek wisdom.  Outdo one another in pursuing.

Lastly I am dedicating this post to my Elizabeth, Loren Jessica Simmons.  Loren you are dear to my soul and I thank God for you.  Tonight before the best actor and actress was announced a person who was dear to all the nominated actors and actresses got on stage and gave a small speech.  If that was me standing up there giving a speech for my dear friend Loren I would say, "Loren, I never thought it was possible to find a friend that would be so dear to my heart, a person who loves and cares for people without expecting anything back.  She cares for many people on a daily basis without receiving the same care.  She has a heart bigger then most people you will ever meet.  She is kind, slow to anger, slow to speak, patient, always has kind words to say about people.  She loves her family they way I long to one day.  She is content in all situations.  And she is one of the funniest people I know." I love you and respect you a lot. There are many more I can name my dear St. Louis crew, my Knoxville crew and my dear friend Lorato in ATL. I love you all dearly and I am forever grateful for you all. 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What to talk about?

Well honestly I don't know what to talk about today. So I am going to post something that I wrote for a class. This is a very true story that happened to me and really affected me.  This is the hardest racial thing that I have had to deal with thus far in my life:

  It was that time of the year, crisp trees, cold air, long pants and jackets. The time of year when people hang bright lights outside their homes and when family’s head to the local farm to cut down large trees to put in their homes.  Its the time of year that everyone looks forward to, even me, its one of my favorite times of the year, Christmas season!  This Christmas season for me was quite different, the way I felt this time was not the same that I felt in the past.  This day when most are happy, I was sad, the day where people felt loved, and I felt lonely.  A night that I never want to live again.
      It was fun and laughter on the drive down from Knoxville, Tennessee to Athens Tennessee, Jake and Bethany‘s home town.  There was a trail of about  seven cars ,twenty plus people all headed down to Christmas in the square!  This is Athens annual town gathering in the towns square where many families and friends gather. They had hot drinks, homemade cookies, Christmas carols, and the fresh smell of pine trees.  Oh yeah and antique shops, I love antiques shops, at least I did until now.
      I feel alone, no one understands, no one can possibly comfort me at this point.  Am I the only one who  seems to even care, they are just going on their marry way having  a good jolly ole time, enjoying the Christmas season.  Not me, I hate my life right now, I hate the people around me, I want to sink into a dark whole and weep.  What just happened to me has never happened to me before in my life, I have never felt like such an outcast. These are the thoughts that ran through my head after we left the antique shop.
      We walked into the antique shop, glitz and glamour, where do we start?  I looked around at the old antique jewelry, I love old jewelry, the big shiny earrings or the thick bracelets, I wanted it all.  Then the hats caught me eye, I anxiously walked over to the hats and picked out many hats and tried them all on. “Loren, do you like this hat on me?” she laughs and jokingly responds, “You should so get that, I love it”. I walked around the store looking glamorous in this blue laced cap. I then wanted to try on warm old mink coats, I looked like a 1960’s diva.  We were all acting  silly trying on old hats, coats and jewelry, all laughing and enjoying ourselves.  We then decided to leave, as we stood out side planning our next stop, freezing, standing very close to one another, then walks up Katie, “Mary, a man in the store is asking for you,” I reply, “I don’t care, I don’t know him, I am not going to go talk to a stranger”.  Suzanne rapidly walks my way, “Mary, he says you better come back or else you are in trouble”, at this time I am so confused, my face went from glowing to a harsh gaze. I have no idea what’s going on, then walks out an older white man. “ What is in your pockets, I work for the cops and if you do not give it up right now, you will go to jail”, all eyes on me, “ What are you talking about, my gloves are in my pocket”.  “I saw you with that hat, young lady, give it back” I am furious inside, “I put everything back, it’s in the store”, he replies, “show it to me, then”.   At this point everyone around me are looking at me as if I was guilty, even my friends.  With an attitude on my face and a heavy feet hitting the ground, I walk in the store and hand the man the hat, then he says, “well that’s not where it belongs”. Do I not get a thank you or sorry for wrongly accusing you I thought then said,  “well excuse me this is an antique store, nothing is in a specific place”.  I have never felt so alone in my life, I wanted to break down and cry. 
      Prior to this occurrence I was happy, enjoying the hot chocolate, the live reindeers, and great conversations with my closest friends.  Then this happens and my whole world changes, I couldn’t even discuss things with my best friend, she wouldn’t understand me. No one did.  I just wanted to hear my dads voice, of course he could bring me comfort, so I dialed, ring, ring, ring, “you have reached the voicemail of ***-***-****”, then I hung up. “You have to be kidding me, where the hell is he”, I thought, then I dialed again, ring, ring, “Hello darling, how are you doing?”, “Dad what are you doing? Where are you?”, as if everything was ok, “I am at home doing nothing, what are you doing?”.  “Dad I am ready to come home, I hate this place”, with a fearful voice he replies, “What happened?”.  Then I explained to him what had just happened, trying to keep from crying.  I couldn’t believe what just came out his mouth, “Mary, how many times do I have to tell you to not go to these types of places with these people, if they were your friend they wouldn’t take you there”. I thought to myself, “these people” he is talking about are my friends, frustrated I said, “My friends didn’t know this was going to happen, I feel so alone”.  In one breath I wanted to defend my friends, but in the next, I wanted nothing to do with them. 
      On the drive back from Athens to Knoxville was a silent drive for me.  I set in the back analyzing everything in my head, over and over.  “What’s in your pocket?”, “Show it to me then”.  This old white face kept appearing in my head.
      The next day didn’t feel any different, I woke up feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry, and with hatred.  I got up got ready for church looking in the same mirror as my white roommates, “Is this outfit okay”, Loren ask, “Sure”,  I replied only thinking about what happened to me the night before.  Then off to church, the whole two hour service, all I thought about was how it was not fair to be treated that way.  “I did nothing wrong”, I thought, “Why did they single me out when everyone else was doing exactly what I was doing?” “Why me? Why me?”.  “Amen”, pastor Bill completed, church was over, I had no idea what he talked about. Jake’s mother, Mrs. Simmons sent people out to find me after church, I knew exactly what she wanted to discuss.  I then went to find her, before any words were exchanged, she hugged me.  I wept on her shoulders, tears rapidly rolling down my face.  “I am so sorry Mary, that was wrong of him, you did nothing wrong”, I couldn’t even respond.  Mr. Simmons walked up, humbly took out his handkerchief, I sadly took as I wiped the tears of  shame, guilt, and loneliness away.  I am loved, and these people are my family.  Hell with that man who made me feel that way.  Hell  with him.

Monday, March 1, 2010


So this blog may cause an uproar, but I want to gain insight and get people talking.  Please fill free to educate me because I am not too knowledgeable about this topic. 

I have gone to many churches in which I respect but lately I have questioned the mentioning of Puritans in general. Sure they have had great things to say about Christ and Christianity, and I am grateful  they brought the gospel to the America's BUT are they not the blame for much of the injustice in the America's? Are they not the blame for American Indians having to get citizenship in their home country in the 20s?  Are they not to blame for slavery in the states?  If I am wrong please correct me. But if I am correct please explain why in all these churches do we look up to them and try to mirror them?  Do we just follow what they say and forget their actions? Maybe, we do, but this makes me want to draw closer to scripture and not man made literature.  But as I write this I am kind of contradicting myself.  I have a desire to write a book, and want to encourage people and lead them to Christ but yet I am a wicked sinner who have done wicked things?  Does that mean people shouldn't listen to me, or does that mean I shouldn't write a book?  

If you read this post please comment, I want to know your thoughts?